02 Apr OUR FIRST BABY WILL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN OUR HEART.
When we found ourselves in this situation I felt lonely. I have the best hubby-to-be by my side, and family that rallied around us but I felt like the only woman in the world to be losing a baby.
This isn’t the case and if I can stop one of you feeling this way then I hope I can.
I’m not going to change the world, but if I can change one persons world then that’s good enough for me.
I’m not here for sympathy. Hundreds of couples go through this and unfortunately we now fall into that statistic; I’m here in the hope that sharing my story may resonate with one other lady in my position. If I can ease your pain or you can relate to my story in one way then I hope that helps you through this experience.
I’m not going to call myself lucky, because the bottom line of it is that I lost my baby. However, from talking to a lot of ladies everyone’s experience has been different, and mine could have been a lot worse.
I’ll start off with the happiness- the joy we felt seeing those 2 lines appear that Saturday morning. Nick and I postponed our wedding in 2020 to 2022 so have decided to start our family before we get married, and that we still will do, just now with a bump in the road. We fell pregnant pretty quickly and it was all a bit of a whirlwind to be honest! But here we were, 4 weeks pregnant and bursting to share our news. We told our parents and sibling right away- they all either cried or thought we were joking! We felt like we had given them something to get excited about after a year of, let’s be honest, not a lot of excitement! We went on to tell our grandparents, again in the hope to give them all some joy with the news of a great grandchild.
All seemed to be going okay, I had the typical symptoms of being bloated, peeing every 3 minutes and my boobs became so sore I can’t even begin to explain. However I had a strong element of doubt lingering over me, I felt like I was constantly looking for that confirmation of our pregnancy. It blows my mind that you take a test, phone the doctor and then that is it until your 8 week midwife call; no guidance on what to eat, how heavy is ‘too heavy’ when lifting, can I carry on running 30km a week? Nothing! So we booked an early scan for 2 days after our 7th week (I believe they refer to this as 7+2?). I was sick with nerves in the days running up to this. We sat and watched the Megan Markle and Harry interview the night before which proved to be a great distraction!
Tuesday morning dragged but 3:30pm came and we went to our scan. There was a heartbeat! We saw our little dot sitting nicely where it should be and it’s heart beating away. Perfect, hurdle done and now we can relax until our 12 week scan, right? No, I couldn’t stop this doubt in my mind. I just knew something wasn’t right. I can’t explain the feeling, it was just in my gut and I couldn’t shift it! Nicks is great at reassuring and telling me everything was fine and to meditate my way through it. So I listened and did exactly that.
6 days later it all began. I went to the loo and I saw brown on the tissue. I tried not to freak out but naturally I wanted to talk to someone, but who? I hadn’t seen the midwife yet, I had no doctor on call, I couldn’t rock up at a&e to say my tissue was brown after I pee’d! I googled and found the community Midwife’s number- which I saved right away, and called her. She reassured me and said it was totally normal and is called an implantation bleed, not to worry.
That evening- again when I went for a wee, there was brown blood in my pants. I purposely wore white pants so I could see what’s going on- I know TMI! We phoned 111 who sent us to the walk in centre in town who ran the usual vitals and said everything looked fine but if things worsened I should call my gp or go to a&e but otherwise go home and rest. So I did, I sat on the sofa for 2 days and didn’t move.
I feel like I knew the second I was pregnant and then the second I wasn’t anymore. It was like my symptoms fell of the side of a cliff! My gp referred me on the Wednesday for an early scan but as they weren’t too worried they could see us on Friday morning at 8:30. This sort of rested my nerves because I figured if they were so worried I’d of been in there and then.
That Thursday I can’t tell you how many times I checked my pants, I felt like the blood was constantly coming out- again TMI I know, but every time I looked there was nothing! I was driving myself insane. My mental health felt like it was going off the same cliff as my symptoms. I have never felt so low.
Friday came and to save the grief I’ll just say our fears were confirmed. There was some tissue left behind but our baby had gone. We then waited a hour back in the waiting room surrounded by other couples waiting to be told what we had just heard. It felt like we were lambs to the slaughter. The doctor called us and the first thing he asked was ‘how are you today’ I think I mumbled something like ‘I’ve had better Fridays to be honest’. He acted like we hadn’t just been told we had miscarried our baby. Horrendous. They ran blood tests and then sent us home, no help, no clue on what to expect to happen to my body in the following few days- nothing!
I can honestly say I have felt every emotion under the sun these last 2 weeks. Sadness for my unborn baby. Guilt, had I done something wrong; that shower that was on the verge of being too warm? Mucking out my horses stable? Not exercising enough, or exercising too much? Had my constant thoughts of something being wrong led to something happening? Let down by my body, why didn’t it know what to do! I’ve never smoked, I barely drink and I’ve never taken drugs, I run 4-5 times a week and eat a healthy diet. What more can I do to bring a healthy baby into this world? In amongst all of this I felt relief. Relief that what I knew had happened had been confirmed. Relief that I no longer needed to nip to the loo every 5 minutes to check what’s going on, that- hopefully, my mental health was about to recover and I’d feel like my usual self again!
I’ve always felt lucky in my life. I have an amazing family, the best group of close friends and the best husband-to-be in Nick. We live a perfect life, we are comfortable and both have growing careers, so I’ve always felt at some point my luck had to change. And it did on March 19th. Nick has said I can’t think this way, that I have the life I lead through sheer hard work and determination and not luck. I guess that’s my guilt creeping in again.
The next few days were a blur. I felt like I was simply existing and floating through my days. Some how I managed to get stuck back into work and help my amazing clients plan the happiest days of their life, all while living my worst! There has to be some change to this system. The view that couples have to simply ‘carry on as normal’, that we put on a brave face and get back to work. I think I was back on my emails 2 hours after we arrived home from hospital!
Now the gory bit- skip this if you don’t want anymore TMI! The bits no one ever tells you about with a miscarriage. I expected blood, and lots of it. I expected pain excruciating enough to stop me in my tracks- or that’s what the hospital told me a miscarriage would be. In fact I had next to none of that. I wore a period pad simply because the odd bit of spotting was staining my pants and I didn’t want to have to replace my whole underwear draw! They said they’d be worried if I was changing my pad every hour, in fact I was changing it once a day and that was simply for hygiene reasons. I reckon over the 3 days I could have used one pad and been fine! I had a bit of light bleeding that even my midwife thought it would be implantation bleeding and we carried on our call to book my following routine appointments.
On the Wednesday I had mild period pains. Yes, I was uncomfortable but I could still go about my day. Still to this day I haven’t had particularly bad pains- little niggles here and there but my goodness, not what I expected with a miscarriage! I think what I’m trying to get across is if you feel like something isn’t right, insist they check you! The guilt creeps in yet again; what if I had gone to a&e that night I had the brown post-wee tissue, but the facts are if you are going to miscarry at such an early time there is nothing they can do.
Nature has its way of doing what’s right. It thinks with its head and not heart. Of course I would have loved my baby with every bit of me, and Nick felt exactly the same, however there was obviously something not quite right with our bud, and he or she wasn’t meant for this world.
We made it to somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks. We saw it’s heartbeat, we know we created a life, just one too special to live this life with us.
I can’t tell you enough, if you need to talk then I am all ears. I can’t fix anything, I can’t turn back time but I can help to ease your pain and begin your healing.
Lots of love,