02 Apr THE WORD MISCARRIAGE
I won’t lie, the first blog was a lot easier to write than this one, because that week I miscarried is still fresh in my mind, the following weeks are a bit of a blur-like I was simply existing rather than living through my days.
Writing these blogs is proving therapeutic for me. Yes, I am sat here with a cup of tea- still caffeine free, with tears in my eyes, but the more I face things head on, the stronger I become. It feels comforting to be standing with other ladies who have been through this. Standing with you all saying ‘we can get through this’, that every feeling you have is okay. It is okay to feel cross, frustrated, jealous of other pregnant ladies, relieved its all over, excited for the future. I sit here praying for ladies I don’t know, praying for the couples in that EPU on the same day as us that they are getting through their days and finding comfort in some way.
I don’t think we ever move on from something like this, we simply learn to live with this baby shaped gap in our lives. We will never forget our babies, no matter how early on we lose them, they are a big part of our life now and we honour them in whatever way we feel we can.
You’ve been through the toughest moments any woman ever has to experience. Hearing those dreaded words from the sonographer will live with me for the rest of my life. At the time I felt numb; I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel I needed a hug, I just wanted to get off of the bed and get my trousers back on!
As we walked back to the waiting room Nick asked if I needed a minute to one side before we went back to face all of the other couples waiting to hear their news. I remember thinking no, why do I need to have a minute? I want to see this doctor and get the heck away from the EPU-little did I know we would have to see the EPU 2 more times in the following weeks. They need to check your HCG hormones are coming down and that your pregnancy has definitely passed and isn’t sitting dangerously silent elsewhere in your body. Mine dropped rapidly- which I am strangely grateful for as it seems we had a relatively straight forward experience.
THE WORD MISCARRIAGE.
I can not tell you how much I HATE this word! Miscarriage. It sounds like it is something we, as Mothers, did wrong. Like we carried our babies wrong and that is why they are no longer here.
The truth is I held on to my baby for as long as I could, with every fibre in my body. I sat on the sofa, I lay in bed, I barely showered and didn’t walk further than from my bed, to the sofa and back again.
The stigma around losing babies-I feel, makes me feel guilty as a woman, after all we are here to reproduce and my body has failed me in this. I changed my whole life from the second those 2 lines appeared. We ordered all caffeine free coffee and tea bags, I ate the recommended intake of carbs-which I always feel are the devil of weight gain but I didn’t think twice as this is what my baby needed. I stopped running every day and took up long, brisk walks, I stopped riding my horse. I honestly feel like I couldn’t do one more thing to help my baby grow. I almost feel annoyed at it, what more did you want from me kid!
And then why does no one talk about it? Why don’t we know what to say? Why haven’t some people reached out to me after being so open about my situation? Do they blame me? Are they secretly thinking ‘she must have done something to cause this to happen’. It all comes back to the feeling of guilt that I can’t seem to shift! It all boils down to that word, MIS-carriage.
The truth is, no one knows how to deal with child loss. Couples lose babies and children every day, yet the subject is never spoken about.
I have always thought, you don’t need to look far to find someone in a worse situation than you, but in reality when you’ve lost your baby you cant imagine a worse situation to be in!
There is no right or wrong way to deal with your grief. Some people like to be silent, some- like me, want to share their story in the hope of easing peoples pain. The bottom line is we all need to grieve the loss of our child.
I have heard it all.
‘You’re young, you have got time.’
‘You can try again.’
‘There must have been something wrong with the baby.’
Yes, all of those statements are right, but when you’re grieving you don’t want to ‘try again’, I want that baby, I want that baby to grow inside of me and for me to give it life one day!
Yes, we are young- we are both only 28, we know we have plenty of time, but that doesn’t change the time we had with our baby. The doesn’t change the excitement we felt at the thought of bringing our first child into the world.
I know I have time, but I want to be sat here at 10 weeks pregnant, not 2 weeks post miscarriage!
If you are reading this from a place of support, and trying to learn how to support a close family or friend experiencing this I pray that you stand by them. Sometimes just saying you are there if they need you, popping up every now and then to ask how they are doing will be enough. My Mum and little sister have checked in almost everyday since to say ‘how are you feeling today’ and that has been amazing, every day being able to say I am feeling a bit better than the day before.
Lots of Love